Graduate student rant

You know I have really tried to make it work with these no-talent ass clowns, but I'm so through with these socially inept gossipy bastards, I need to cleanse. Here are all the characters that have been plaguing my life for the past 3 quarters plus summer:

Neurotica--I really liked you. I thought you were cool and dressed well. I was impressed that you wore make-up. We had a lot of common interests, shopping, shoes, boys. I kinda liked your rocker boyfriend, but then when I found out he didn't like me--I was a little miffed, but whatevs, right? Imagine my surprise when you actually let his scant opinion of me, influence yours! Mind control? I was amazed at your inability to do most normal things, like break up with loser boyfriends and chose advisors that will actually help you. You would obsess over every possible decision and expect my sympathy when your big breasted sister tried to give your her out-grown bras. I mean this is life. Maybe I was too hard on you about trying to break up with this loser, but I got a little worried when you told me you had to sell your clothes to buy food. That loser you live with is a waiter; if he doesn't cover rent, do you think he could at least take the dead food from the kitchen?

Tattoo Jane--I really liked you too. I know you were cool and had a hot, let me say it again, hot, boyfriend. He is Armenian and he is a sexy sexy beast. We went drinking a few times and always to your side of town. You never came to ours. I mean we like your side, but our side has stuff going on too. My bf thought your tattoos were cool, but you told him you always kept them covered because you didn't want people in the academic community to judge you. Um, what? You had two full sleeves. Who were you kidding? If you didn't want people to judge you for not having tattoos, then why did you get them? And also, if you plan on having a career in academia, do you really think it is realistic to cover your arms for the rest of your life? But even this didn't bother me. It was the fact that you never came to my side of town always on the excuse of needing to see "Jimmy." I think I called you up and said I haven't seen you in months, come to this art show and your response was "I'm hanging out with Jimmy . . . I haven't seen him in like a week." I've never met him. If "Jimmy" was code for your boyfriend's penis, I would have been more understanding. I would definitely want to hang out with Jimmy. There was no reason we could not all hang out with Jimmy together. I would even buy him a drink.

Jersey--Being from Jersey also, I thought we would understand each other and we did, but something about you was really off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but felt I was vindicated after you broke up with your girlfriend in Russia (everyone raise your hand who didn't see that coming) and started nailing undergrads. Not that I wouldn't want to nail undergrads. Actually, I wouldn't, they're slightly more stupid and more insidious than grad students.

X--You were so well connected and depressed it was like hanging out with any of my ex-boyfriends. You were also an ex-graduate student, or not really on the attendance list as it were. I tried to help you out of your depression by calling you to come out or over for dinner made to your dietary specifications. I even offered to put you on my health insurance so you could get your meds and then maybe you would stop being so depressed and finish your paper for that class you took like three years ago. It all came crumbling down when I told you that you had no chance with my best friend. And what you were surprised by this information? Dude, you have no job, you are overweight, you are generally cranky, you dropped out of school, you live alone in an apt. with no furniture, your parents support you and you are bald. The latter is not so much a deal breaker, it's just another obvious reason why you have no chance. Also you are 37 and you have nothing to show for it.



Tee-toller--I never had any specific problems with you, not that I ever really want to hang out with you, but you always seem to be around. It's just that you can't hold your liquor for shit and it's not that I have to drink to go out, but you seem to have to, but you can't. I'm really in awe at your inability to hold your liquor. You take one drink and you're three sheets to the wind. If you wanna drink, do it home alone where I don't have to spend my evening making sure some assmunch doesn't date rape you; if you wanna come out with me, don't drink.

Mr. Boring--You were pretty nice to me, but I was also pretty amazed that you managed to tell me a 20 minute long story about your bike skidding to a stop. I was so amazed at your boringness and the fact that you would stare at my chest the whole time. I think my breasts are pretty cute, but let's face it, when I wear a low cut shirt, I'm revealing more of a flat expanse of chest and not cleavage. Maybe you think my flat expanse is sexy. I just wish you would touch my boobs then, or not look at them. At least coping a feel would have been interesting. I was also amazed at how boring your friends were. They were actually watching Howard Zinn read on C-SPAN 2. Then they talked about the other night when they all got reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy wasted. Really? Like didn't anything cool happen? No? Nothing funny? Did someone piss on your couch? Did you all have an orgy? Did you play Truth or Dare? Did you do anything other than drink?!?!?! Then who the fuck cares and why are you still talking about it three days later.

The Dreamer--I get it, you are so not together and can be funny and cute and you're really working that well. It's like, Hmm, I don't know , should I go to class or pick flowers? You are such a free spirit. It's not like you haven't planned out your life from jr. high or talk to your mother every night. Oh look your mom is calling you now. She wants to know how the towels she bought you are working out. Your bathroom was delish, so very zen like.

Anyway, I could go on, but these are the main culprits that annoyed me. Fuck grad students, I'm hanging out with Dommes instead.