Ah fuck it, let's just ban masturbation while we're at it

The single most amazing, multi-cultural experience of my life was going on Semester at Sea. However, it was not for obvious reasons, like going to Cuba, seeing the Taj Mahal, walking the Great Wall, or going on a safari. No. It was because I actually met the most culturally deprived people of my life. I grew up in the NYC metro area and now I live in California, so its safe to say, I have been incubating in an ethnically diverse, liberal place for over twenty years. However, on this voyage I met those people that you have never heard about, but may have some idea that they exist.

I mean, these are the people who vote for W. right? These are the people whose big social hub is church, and not that I am anti-religious, it just so happens that all the religious people I meet seem to have beliefs that exclude everyone else's beliefs. These are the people who have never met a gay man. These are the people who form NBK clubs (Never Been Kissed). These are the people who informed me of a college in Florida where the opposite sex is not allowed to touch each other. These are the people who scare the fuck out of me. Don't they scare the fuck out of you? Aren't you going to go to bed tonight and sleep just a little less with the knowledge that there are grown ass adults in college who make political decisions based on their parents' beliefs and don't get any, I mean, ANY, pootie? Maybe it's correlated. Do liberals really do it better? Or Marxists for that matter?

However, what really floored me was a conversation I had with a couple of these people, and my friend, a gay man who was also Irish-Catholic, Republican, and obviously confused. The topic, one of my faves, masturbation.

Of course, I'm a fan. What's not to love, about self-love? However, one of my fellow shipmates shot it down, citing the following two reasons why: 1. claimed of a sex education class that taught kindergarteners about fisting and 2. reports of a girl in his hometown who masturbated with a knife handle, cutting herself.

Pause for effect.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

I swear on a stack of Capital, this is what he said. He went on to say that he agreed with the Clinton administration for firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for her pro-masturbation comments in the context of fighting the AIDS crisis. My friend, confused, agreed with this idiot. Even Ann Landers was pro-masturbation.

It was a rare point in my life that I was rendered speechless.

I'm bringing all this up because of a recent article in Z Magazine entitled "Abstinence-Only Sex Education". I was amazed to read the following: "Robert George, a member of the eminent President's Council on Bioethics, wants laws passed to outlaw masturbation . . ."

Oh Robert George, who are you and why am I not beating you up?

Consider the following:
In a book entitled The Clash of Orthodoxies: Law, Religion and Morality in Crisis, George expresses the sort of views about human sexuality that will keep the money of social conservatives flowing his way. He wrote: "The plain fact is that the genitals of men and women are reproductive organs all of the time -- even during periods of sterility." According to journalist Max Blumenthal, George advocates for state laws that criminalize adultery and fornication. He also calls for a curb on "sexual practices he views as immoral, including oral sex and masturbation (which he calls ‘bad' sex)" (Blumenthal, 2006)
http://www.mediatransparency.org/storyprinterfriendly.php?storyID=142

And there you have it. You just can't rationalize with people who utter nonsense.

Wait . . . so I utter nonsense? Crap!

Revolutionaries need stylists too

I remember listening to the radio and the host was making fun of Fidel Castro, how he always wears his military fatigues. The revolution is over, he quipped. Let's get that man in some Armani suits. I agree. But would Fidel be Fidel without his ever present green uniform?

Then I started thinking, have there ever been any stylish revolutionaries? Che Guevara, Gandhi, Ayatollah Ruhollah, Osama Bin Laden?

Hmm, I'm noticing a theme! I see beards are in! And military jackets! Yes, and draping fabrics, oh yes, revolutionary-chic!

The reason I bring it up is because the Marxist seems to be determined to wear badly fitting clothes, unmatched, threadbare polos and unkempt hair. Most recently, he has decided to grow a mustache. Perhaps I set back the revolution a couple of years by insisting on cutting his hair, plucking his eyebrows and wearing nice clothes. Sorrys.

This just in: poet-dommes stealing ink cartridges all over LA

Your printer is not safe. You are not safe. I will take your ink cartridge.

Marxy just called to ask if I had taken the ink cartridges out of his printer. I didn't, but I was really pissed that I didn't think of that and had done it. Because who would check to see if you actually had ink cartridges until the last minute when the paper was due an hour ago?

But I didn't take the ink. I don't know who did, since I just used that printer.

I did, however, piss in your Johnny Walker red.

Marxist moves out, we argue historical materialism

I'm baffled by the Marxist's inability to take things that are actually his, like his butt plugs and bong, but to instead take things of mine that were purchased before our politically correct partnership commenced such as my red bottle opener.

To be continued . . .